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Thrill to the true story of Captain Phillips as brave Somali freedom fighters defeat the might of the Great Satan’s Navy Seals.4pm Afternoon prayers, conducted by Ayman al-Zawahiri, live via internet from his compound in the tribal regions of Waziristan.

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’ The quartermaster of the Hounslow branch of Al Muhajiroun will be handing out leaflets showing how to disguise Semtex as bricks of Lego.

If wet, in bedouin tent behind Knights’ Kingdom.3pm Guests assemble at the Pirate Shores attraction, where they will be treated to a re-enaction of a typical pirate raid off the coast of Somalia.

Conducted by the former Ayatollah of Tottenham, Omar Bakri Mohammed, live by satellite from his hideout in Yemen.9am Coaches leave for Legoland. Strictly no fraternisation, no i Pods and no transistor radios.

Anyone found with a bacon sandwich will have their hands chopped off.9.50am Rear coach packed with explosives stops in Parliament Square.

Usama Hasan, of the moderate, anti- terrorism think tank, the Quilliam Foundation, said: ‘Like all extreme Islamists, he uses fascist language about non-Muslims and refuses to sit at the same table as women.’So what can the lucky revellers expect when they arrive?

Rehearsals are already under way and this column has been sent a copy of the itinerary: 8am Morning prayers.

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Here we list all the local swingers contacts from Nairobi Area, Kenya, the best sex clubs, public and private parties.

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